Hannah's Miscarriage Story
Haven Creed Meurer
My childbearing years were the most traumatic years of my life. I had a high risk pregnancy in 2019 ending in a primary c-section. I quickly became pregnant again in 2021. As a midwife, I was fortunate enough to check in on baby whenever I wanted. I could see a flicker of the heartbeat but something looked off. It was an intuition, which many experience around the time of loss. In the early weeks I found myself saying things like, "we'll see how this goes," and "I'm just lucky it still has a heartbeat." My thoughts were riddled with anxiety.
The evening before my "official" 10 week ultrasound I was restless. I woke up hours before my alarm (was sleeping at the hospital - on call) and counted down the minutes to walk over to Radiology. A male student, of course, was there scanning me and it took what felt like years - back and forth whispering between the student and preceptor. They didn't say anything, just sent me up to my office. My midwife partner greeted me with a somber hug - "Oh Hannah I'm so so sorry."
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March 12, 2021 - Once I learned Haven didn't have a heartbeat, I wanted it to be over as quickly as possible. I wanted a baby, not this. I picked up a prescription for misoprostol (cytotec) and took it the next day. A few hours after taking the medication the cramping and bleeding started. It worsened to the point where it felt like my rectum was splitting open and I was screaming out for help. In that moment my only prayer was that I could die. I wanted God to spare me from the pain. My clothes became stained from blood and the sound of the clots splashing into the toilet made me near vomit. I was so weak and sick that I couldn't lift my leg out of the saturated Depends. I was too disoriented to look for Haven or a sac for genetic testing. Even as I write this - tears flow as I tap into the trauma of my experience.
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March 21 - I went back to work the next week and just didn't feel like myself. As I was driving to the hospital, on call to deliver a baby, I knew I had a fever. I called my work partner and she told me to turn around to go to the ED near my home. I was diagnosed with a uterine infection called endometritis. The ultrasound was unbearable and I cried out in pain as they scanned my exquisitely tender uterus. I was all alone. That night the on call OB performed a D&C and I stayed overnight for IV antibiotics. I was sent home on oral antibiotic treatment. I was relieved...it felt final.
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As the weeks passed, I continued to have pain, spotting, and unusual vaginal discharge. My HCG levels were still higher than normal which was concerning. We did another ultrasound - unfortunately they saw something in my uterus. There was blood flow, but the diagnosis was inconclusive.
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I had a CT with angiogram that diagnosed a uterine arteriovenous malformation (AVM), which is very rare but could be a result of trauma from the D&C procedure almost a month prior at this point.
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April 23 - My interventional radiologist felt that a uterine artery embolization would be the next best step to preserve my fertility. During the exploration, no malformation was found; no embolization was done. I was throwing up on the drive home - I was so worried I was going to open the femoral site.
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April 28 - I had a second and final D&C with hysteroscopy to complete the miscarriage process.
Just four short years, but nothing could prepare me for it. Not my training and career as a midwife. I carried 3 babies, had 5 surgeries, and breastfed in between. During my miscarriage, I delivered babies. I congratulated families who had the same due date as me. I thought I was fine. Everyone thought I was fine. But I wasn't. My experience could have gone much differently - What if I had been plugged in with a therapist immediately? What if my HCGs were trended? What if I wasn't alone in the ER trying to pretend I was ok because I worked there?
I would love to think I am the only one with a story like this, but I am not. Every day over 2,000 women in the U.S. loose their baby, approximately 44 losses every MINUTE around the world. It is COMMON and EXPECTED to have a traumatic pregnancy loss rather a therapeutic and supported pregnancy loss. We exist to change that narrative.
You are loved and we're fighting hard for you,